10 Rules for Constructive Conflict

Compiled by Victor W. Harris, MS

RULE 1: Refuse to Use Destructive Conflict Tactics: Becoming aware of the tactics we are using when we conflict is the first step in the change process. According to John Gottman, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and speaking defensively are all destructive conflict tactics (see 9 Important Skills).

RULE 2: Choose to Gain the Skills to Conflict Constructively: Constructive conflict doesn't just happen, it takes effort and skill development. According to John Gottman, calming down, speaking non-defensively, validating our partner, and overlearning these skills are the most important constructive skills we can learn initially (see 9 Important Skills).

RULE 3: Focus on Feelings First, Then Move to the Specific Issue: This is an important part of learning to speak non-defensively. If we can soften the introduction of the complaint, there is a much higher probability that the issue can be discussed effectively without moving into defensiveness and stonewalling.??

RULE 4: Focus on One Issue at a Time: If we are not careful, in the heat of conflict we can easily slip into bringing up multiple issues without resolving any of them. This rule allows us to step back in the conflict and to point out that another issue has just been advanced before the current issue has been resolved. This new issue must be put on hold or a destructive social and emotional mudfight will ensue.

RULE 5: Identify the Patterns of Behavior that Reveal the Root Cause: It is our study of the patterns of conflict that can reveal the truth or the root cause of our issues. If we continue to focus on the symptomatic patterns only, then the same conflicts will repeatedly occur. We have all heard the definition of insanity which is to repeat the same thought, emotion, or behavior patterns while expecting different results. Gottman has called this destructive pattern the negative cycle of reciprocity. For example, if a partner becomes stressed and criticizes her companion, it may lead to his defensiveness, which may, in turn, lead to mutual contempt and withdrawal. Gottman believes that the entry into this cycle is with the presentation of the complaint or specific issue (see 9 Important Skills). The issue may center around a lack of constructive conflict skills or any one of a myriad of power and control issues.